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Molly Warren's Page
Associate Minister
Pastor Molly Warren
Methodists (Adapted
from an essay by Garrison Keillor)
We make fun of
Methodists for their blandness, their excessive calm, their fear of
giving offense, their lack of speed and also for their secret
fondness for macaroni and cheese. But nobody sings like them. If you
were to ask an audience in New York City , a relatively Methodist-less place, to sing along on the chorus of "Michael Row the
Boat Ashore," they will look daggers at you as if you had asked them
to strip to their underwear. But if you do this among Methodists,
they'd smile and row that boat ashore and up on the beach! And down
the road!
Many Methodists
are bred from childhood to sing in four-part harmony, a talent that
comes from sitting on the lap of someone singing alto or tenor or
bass and hearing the harmonic intervals by putting your little head
against that person's rib cage. It's natural for Methodists to sing
in harmony. We are too modest to be soloists, too worldly to sing in
unison. When you're singing in the key of C and you slide into the
A7th and D7th chords, all two hundred of you, it's an emotionally
fulfilling moment.
By our joining
in harmony, we somehow promise that we will not forsake each other.
I do believe this: People, these Methodists, who love to sing in
four-part harmony are the sort of people you could call up when
you're in deep distress. If you are dying, they will comfort you. If
you are lonely, they'll talk to you. And if you are hungry, they'll
give you tuna salad!
Methodists
believe in prayer, but would practically die if asked to pray out
loud.
Methodists like
to sing, except when confronted with a new hymn or a hymn with more
than four stanzas.
Methodists
believe their pastors will visit them in the hospital, even if they
don't notify them that they are there.
Methodists
usually follow the official liturgy and will feel it is their way of
suffering for their sins.
Methodists
believe in miracles and even expect miracles, especially during
their stewardship visitation programs or when passing the plate.
Methodists feel
that applauding for their children's choirs would make the kids too
proud and conceited.
Methodists think
that the Bible forbids them from crossing the aisle while passing
the peace.
Methodists drink
coffee as if it were the Third Sacrament.
Methodists feel
guilty for not staying to clean up after their own wedding reception
in the Fellowship Hall.
Methodists are
willing to pay up to one dollar for a meal at church.
Methodists still
serve Jell-O in the proper liturgical color of the season and think
that peas in a tuna noodle casserole adds too much color.
Methodists
believe that it is OK to poke fun at themselves and never take
themselves too seriously.
And finally, you
know you are a Methodist when:
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It's 100
degrees, with 90% humidity, and you still have coffee after the
service.
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You hear
something really funny during the sermon and smile as loudly as
you can.
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Donuts are
a line item in the church budget, just like coffee.
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When you
watch a Star Wars movie and they say, "May the Force be with
you," and you respond, "and also with you."
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And lastly,
it takes ten minutes to say good-bye
Revised:
February 16, 2008 |
